Tuesday, January 10, 2006
GOING GUMMER: Dress for Excess
GOING GUMMER: Dress for Excess
So you wanna be like Burt? I’ll skip over the why, and just jump right into the how.
What makes Burt, Burt? Is it his affection for and mastery of firearms? His paranoid, conspiracy theories? His hermit-like existence? His over-preparation for every conceivable dillema?
No blog entry is going to make you a firearms expert. And while I could definitely point you to some websites full of whacky conspiracy theories, turning paranoid would be up to you.
No, the simplest way to become like Burt is to follow that old saying about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. Yup, to be like Burt, you need to emulate him, and the first step in emulation is wardrobe.
Starting with layer one, we need to ask the question, boxers or briefs? Seeing as how Burt Gummer is a very uptight character, I would have guessed briefs. However, in episode 8 of the TV Series, “A Little Paranoia Among Friends”, Burt was clearly seen wearing boxers to bed. And black socks. That’s right, Burt doesn’t wear breathable cotton tube socks, he wears black polyester dress socks. Under his boots.
Add in a simple olive drab, cotton t-shirt, and you have Burt, Layer 1.
For every day Layer 2, Burt typically goes with a pair of khaki cargo pants and some kind of long sleeved shirt. On special occasions, Burt does like to wear milspec uniforms. The advantage of cargo pants is that Burt can fit a lot of stuff in the extra thigh pockets.
Khaki Cargo Pants:
Desert 3 Color BDU Pants:
To hold those pants up, Burt would again go for durability. For example, he might select a milspec nylon belt, similar to this.
However, given Burt’s penchant for excess, he might just be interested in a survival belt- a belt that contains an emergency survival kit INSIDE it!
Pro Survival Belt
Now that you have your Burt belt, it’s time to put stuff on it. As we all know, Burt doesn’t just walk around with his pockets empty.
Of number one importance, a multi tool. Now I know that in Tremors 3: Back to Perfection, Burt carried his multi tool in a pouch on his combat vest. However, since he’s Burt, I don’t think he’d have just the one multitool. For one, he doesn’t wear the green combat vest all the time, and for another, Burt is a firm believer in back ups.
So, to do yourself up right, you need a multi tool on your belt at all times. And when you want the best, why not go for name recognition? The Leatherman WAVE has everything you need: pliers, wire cutter, saw, diamond file, two knife blades, screw driver, scissors... It’s used in good company too. The Wave has been seen in use by the Mythbusters and by Les Stroud of the Survivorman series.
Leatherman Wave:
Now, the Wave is nice, but there are other models above it in price range. The Surge for example features a removable diamond file- effectively allowing you to sharpen the blades of the tool with it’s own file. Then there’s the TI and XTI, titanium-handled versions of both the Wave and Surge. They’re a bit pricier though, and as the Series showed us, Burt is on a budget now.
Next up, the most recognizable item on Burt’s belt: his key keeper. This retracting line belt unit keeps all Burt’s keys snug on his person. No worrying about dropping your keys in an emergency.
But what does Burt carry on his key keeper? Surely he doesn’t have that many keys? Episode 8 of the Series also revealed Burt uses a keyless entry system to his home. So what else besides a few keys might we find on Burt’s key ring?
There’s the Swiss tech Utili-key; an ingenius multi-tool designed to look like a key.
There’s the P38 military can opener, something even this author carries on his keychain at all times.
And for firestaring, Burt would undoubtably have somewhere on his person one of these:
a Swedish Firesteel scout ferrocerium rod.
While Burt doesn’t need a watch to tell the time, he does wear one. Since we don’t have to worry about Graboids, we don’t need a wrist seismo. (Which, by the way was really an Avocet Alpine watch). So what would Burt want out of his time piece?
First off, it would have to be waterproof. Secondly, it needs to be durable and have lots and lots of features. Like a stopwatch, a countdown timer, Indiglo (or somethign similar)... maybe GPS location, or a built-in compass. A depth gauge? An Altimeter? As you can see, watch choices may vary...
To round out your outfit though, you need to consider footwear. And as we've seen Burt likes "jungle boots". Why? Well, for one, with nylon they breathe. They have a metal plate in the sole to protect your feet. And, if they do get wet, they'll dry out fast.
Okay, I did leave one other crucial item out... Burt's hat. Problem is, Burt's Hawks hats tend to change from production to production, and you may want to substitute your own favorite team.
That's about it for today. Next up, we'll look at Burt's vest, or should I say vestS?
So you wanna be like Burt? I’ll skip over the why, and just jump right into the how.
What makes Burt, Burt? Is it his affection for and mastery of firearms? His paranoid, conspiracy theories? His hermit-like existence? His over-preparation for every conceivable dillema?
No blog entry is going to make you a firearms expert. And while I could definitely point you to some websites full of whacky conspiracy theories, turning paranoid would be up to you.
No, the simplest way to become like Burt is to follow that old saying about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. Yup, to be like Burt, you need to emulate him, and the first step in emulation is wardrobe.
Starting with layer one, we need to ask the question, boxers or briefs? Seeing as how Burt Gummer is a very uptight character, I would have guessed briefs. However, in episode 8 of the TV Series, “A Little Paranoia Among Friends”, Burt was clearly seen wearing boxers to bed. And black socks. That’s right, Burt doesn’t wear breathable cotton tube socks, he wears black polyester dress socks. Under his boots.
Add in a simple olive drab, cotton t-shirt, and you have Burt, Layer 1.
For every day Layer 2, Burt typically goes with a pair of khaki cargo pants and some kind of long sleeved shirt. On special occasions, Burt does like to wear milspec uniforms. The advantage of cargo pants is that Burt can fit a lot of stuff in the extra thigh pockets.
Khaki Cargo Pants:
Desert 3 Color BDU Pants:
To hold those pants up, Burt would again go for durability. For example, he might select a milspec nylon belt, similar to this.
However, given Burt’s penchant for excess, he might just be interested in a survival belt- a belt that contains an emergency survival kit INSIDE it!
Pro Survival Belt
Now that you have your Burt belt, it’s time to put stuff on it. As we all know, Burt doesn’t just walk around with his pockets empty.
Of number one importance, a multi tool. Now I know that in Tremors 3: Back to Perfection, Burt carried his multi tool in a pouch on his combat vest. However, since he’s Burt, I don’t think he’d have just the one multitool. For one, he doesn’t wear the green combat vest all the time, and for another, Burt is a firm believer in back ups.
So, to do yourself up right, you need a multi tool on your belt at all times. And when you want the best, why not go for name recognition? The Leatherman WAVE has everything you need: pliers, wire cutter, saw, diamond file, two knife blades, screw driver, scissors... It’s used in good company too. The Wave has been seen in use by the Mythbusters and by Les Stroud of the Survivorman series.
Leatherman Wave:
Now, the Wave is nice, but there are other models above it in price range. The Surge for example features a removable diamond file- effectively allowing you to sharpen the blades of the tool with it’s own file. Then there’s the TI and XTI, titanium-handled versions of both the Wave and Surge. They’re a bit pricier though, and as the Series showed us, Burt is on a budget now.
Next up, the most recognizable item on Burt’s belt: his key keeper. This retracting line belt unit keeps all Burt’s keys snug on his person. No worrying about dropping your keys in an emergency.
But what does Burt carry on his key keeper? Surely he doesn’t have that many keys? Episode 8 of the Series also revealed Burt uses a keyless entry system to his home. So what else besides a few keys might we find on Burt’s key ring?
There’s the Swiss tech Utili-key; an ingenius multi-tool designed to look like a key.
There’s the P38 military can opener, something even this author carries on his keychain at all times.
And for firestaring, Burt would undoubtably have somewhere on his person one of these:
a Swedish Firesteel scout ferrocerium rod.
While Burt doesn’t need a watch to tell the time, he does wear one. Since we don’t have to worry about Graboids, we don’t need a wrist seismo. (Which, by the way was really an Avocet Alpine watch). So what would Burt want out of his time piece?
First off, it would have to be waterproof. Secondly, it needs to be durable and have lots and lots of features. Like a stopwatch, a countdown timer, Indiglo (or somethign similar)... maybe GPS location, or a built-in compass. A depth gauge? An Altimeter? As you can see, watch choices may vary...
To round out your outfit though, you need to consider footwear. And as we've seen Burt likes "jungle boots". Why? Well, for one, with nylon they breathe. They have a metal plate in the sole to protect your feet. And, if they do get wet, they'll dry out fast.
Okay, I did leave one other crucial item out... Burt's hat. Problem is, Burt's Hawks hats tend to change from production to production, and you may want to substitute your own favorite team.
That's about it for today. Next up, we'll look at Burt's vest, or should I say vestS?
