Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Gummerizing your Home
IS YOUR HOME GUMMERIZED?
by C.Martin
Now that it's winter, a lot of people are no doubt wondering if they properly winterized their homes. The cold makes them think about it a lot, I'd wager.
by C.Martin
Now that it's winter, a lot of people are no doubt wondering if they properly winterized their homes. The cold makes them think about it a lot, I'd wager.
After watching the Australian film "Undead" I began to wonder about Gummerizing my home.One of the most popular plot devices in film seems to be that of fortification. That is, that characters who previously fortified their homes, cars, boats etc in preparation for some cataclysm do better at surviving. Other characters, thrown into unexpected events suddenly often conveniently know how to fortify their positions. They too tend to last longer than the Henny Pennies that run around with no obvious plan for survival.
Without a doubt, the king of this home preparation is Burt Gummer. What other film or TV series has boasted a back-up, back-up generator? Or a wall of weapons? Or an escape tunnel? Since Burt is the king of preparation, I think it only fitting that from now on the term for a properly fortified home/stronghold be Gummerizing. But only when the home/stronghold was prepared BEFORE the poop hits the fan.
Afterall, Burt is ALWAYS prepared.
Prepared for a Red invasion, not underground bugs.
How about a subsection of Gummerizing that is that triggered by cataclysm, rather than preceeding cataclysm. Many characters realize, after disaster strikes, that they need to fortify a position.
Let's call that Omega-Gummerizing. As in, Robert Neville, the Omega Man.
Gummerized
1. Preparations must have been made with the intent to survive some kind of calamity: natural disaster, alien invasion, monsters, zombies or even the Red Menace.
2. Preparations must include a fortifying of the structure beyond what would normally done in a similar structure: for example, reinforced concrete walls.
3. Hoarding of foodstuffs and other survival supplies: if the character really believed the end was coming, they would properly stockpile their home with foodstuffs.
4. Armory: Not everyone will have a wall of weapons like Mr. Gummer, but surely they will have a set of weapons and plenty of ammo.
Omega-Gummerized
1. Idea to fortify a safe position inspired by events already in play; e.g. Zombies on the loose.
2. Fortification of the structure with intent to provide physical security; e.g., boarding up the windows
3. Hoarding of foodstuffs. Running into a building with no food or water and barricading yourself is not proper survival- that's called hiding. Doesn't count.
4. Weaponry: Again, you have to have some kind of means of physical protection, be it a cricket bat, submachine gun or wooden stakes.
Now that we have that clearly defined, let's see how many films have used the Gummerized plot device.
Here's my list so far:
GUMMERIZED DWELLINGS:
Tremors 1, 2, 3: Burt's Basement is still the tops in my book. He has an escape tunnel and his place is built on high ground surrounded by a fence! No wildfires to worry about (hes in the desert), he can survive cold and heat extremes and has the firepower to hold off zombie or invading Army sieges. Plus, based on his middle-of-nowhere placement, he's not likely to encounter much open aggression or attack.
Undead: Marion's home is stocked with weapons and supplies, then he has a basement stocked with more, and then there's a trap door in the basement leading down into a sub-basement/bomb shelter! If only he had kept his shelter stocked with food and water! Marion clearly felt a zombie invasion was coming and he was prepared for the worst. Except for stocking food and supplies in his bomb shelter.
Blast from the Past: Christopher Walken actually one-upped Burt by duplicating his ENTIRE house underground, along with the ability to grow food and live indefinitely. Alas, the movie is a romantic comedy so we never really get to see the full extent of the subterranean home or its abilities.
Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Begins, etc. Seriously. True, the Batcave is for fighting crime, but if you think about it, Wayne Manor could withstand any mere zombie/monster attack. Bruce Wayne built the Batcave as a safe refuge for his pending war on crime, so it meets the pre-event requirement. And while Batman scorns the use of firearms against people, I bet he's got some firepower hidden away for rampaging monsters or aliens. If not, you can bet Alfred has.
The Punisher (2004) After Frank Castle's family is slaughtered and he decides to wage a little genocide on crime, he admirably Gummerizes his apartment- hiding weaponry all around to deal with intruders. He even has a stockpile of sardines and whiskey. Maybe not the best of supplies, but I think it counts. Im torn between whether this is Omega-Gummerizing or Gummerizing. He didnt get the idea to Gummerize until AFTER his family is killed, but he clearly is preparing for a coming battle.
TOP OMEGA-GUMMERIZED FILM STRONGHOLDS
Death Hunt: Despite the fact it's the 1800s and all hes fighting are angry trappers, Charles Bronson's character does an admirable job of turning his quiet log cabin in the Canadian wilderness into a one-man fortress. In the end it takes the involvement of Lee Marvin and dynamite to uproot Bronson. Zombies would never have gotten in. And if they had, Bronson probably would have eaten them.
28 Days:
In this movie we get to see a variety of post-apocalypse strongholds; a squad of British infantry seize an estate after a zombie outbreak and are living quite well, other survivors have holed up in a high rise apartment building with supplies. However, all these nice, sage people with supplies crave companionship and decide to leave safety in search of other survivors. Ultimately, when they hit the road to go elsewhere their numbers dwindle. And at the end of the film we discover all they had to do was hold out for 28 Days. ie, if they had stayed where they were more of them might have survived!Burt would be ashamed.
Last Man on Earth:
Vincent Price stars in this old B&W film that apparently is what inspired Omega Man. Instead of zombies, the film has these vampire-zombie things.. anyway, when the film opens, Price is holed up in his house, going out by day for supplies and to kill vampires. Hes got a generator, weapons making abilities and drives around in a nice big hearse.Dawn of the Dead:
(original- I haven't seen the remake): One of my favorite flicks on surviving as the audience gets to see in GREAT detail the efforts the survivors go to, to fend off zombies. They even make a back up plan to hide from zombies. This flick would HAVE to be on Burt Gummer's shelf!Day of the Dead:
In this flick only have the zombie survivors made an impregnable underground base complete with helipad, they make a routine of capturing zombies, dragging them underground and performing experiments on them. Burt would not approve.Eight Legged Freaks:
Again, the Mall saves the day... for awhile. Turns out giant spiders can get into a mall easier than Zombies. Or maybe they just don't build malls like they used to.Shaun of the Dead:
Holing up in their favorite tavern to fight off the hordes of zombies may not be a great idea, but I guess it counts as fortifying... And while Shaun and his idiotic friends didn't bring food with them, they specifically chose the pub as it did have a supply of food.Omega Man:
Robert Neville (Charleton Heston) adapted after the poopy hit the fan, but he has a home built to withstand the ravages of post anarchy. He has TV, liquor and enough spotlights to turn night into day. Plus he gets to go car shopping whenever he damn well wants. Hmmm... RoBERT Neville... BURT Gummer... I wonder....Night of the Comet:
Again, a film where AFTER zombies arrive, the survivors got together and try to fortify their positions... I don't really remember much else from this cheeser...Back to the Future 2:
Remember Mr. Strickland? ("Slacker!") When Marty McFly goes into the horrible alternate future, Mr. Strickland is prepared- he's got a shotgun and bars on his windows. And based upon his character, we can be sure hes got food, water and more ready to go! Cause he's no slacker!Signs:
Rev. Hess (Mel Gibson) finds himself in a precarious situation when he and the rest of the world realize they are being invaded. Rev. Hess, obviously a Tremors fan, flees to the basement and barricades himself. Some might call this hiding, but Hess and his brother do fortify the house beforehand (board windows) and take a few supplies downstairs with them.MOVIES THAT DON'T COUNT
Maximum Overdrive:
The characters get trapped in a truck stop. Trapped. They didn't prepare, and they do little to strengthen their position. They just stood around in terror as the trucks circled. Burt would have been bending forks and fashioning some spike strips to toss out the front doors.Red Dawn:
Again, I left this off the list as to me the characters aren't choosing to hole up and survive, they are on the run, hiding. They do a good job, but still...Kingdom of the Spiders:
So close on this one. William Shatner and his friends hole up in the main lodge of a small motel and are forced to barricade the doors and windows. Still, the tarantulas get in. Seeing as how they didn't bring supplies with them when they fled to the main lodge, I just can't grant the Gummerized label. Even if they do use fire extinguishers as weapons (something Burt would be proud of)Damnation Alley:
After much thought, I removed this from the Gummerized list. The post-WWIII the characters are living pretty well in a USAF missile site. But they didn't build it or prepare it.Dog Soldiers:
The tough as nails British squad that holes up in a deserted farm house makes a great attempt at fortifying their position. And, technically, they did have foodstuffs with them. However, they are clearly fleeing direct confrontation. Their fortification is by necessity, not choice.
