The Grabblog

PART 1:

WELCOME TO PERFECTION, NEVADA!
(Pop. 14)

If you like small towns, you're going to love Perfection! We're located in the heart of Perfection Valley, a pristine desert environment only a few hours from the Nevada Test Site. Our charming downtown is prepared to accommodate all your needs as a visitor, and our small but friendly community is always ready to offer a warm welcome to new neighbors interested in sharing our unique, exciting way of life!To help you learn a little more about Perfection, we've prepared this handy mini-guide. (Be sure to check back in just a few weeks for a special, expanded edition that will knock your socks off!)

GEOGRAPHY
Perfection Valley is an immense box canyon, with rocky cliffs to the north and mountains to the east and west. Aside from a few nearly impassable mountain jeep trails, there is only one road in and out of the valley; it leads to Bixby, Nev., the closest town, 30 miles south through the desert. It's paved, and as we locals say, stay on the asphalt if you want to stay alive!

STAYING IN TOUCH
Sorry to say, cell phones still don't work in Perfection. We're working on it, really, but there isn't much we can do, because of the local geography. Land lines, CB radio and short-range walkie-talkies are the current means of communication.

DOING BUSINESS
Chang's Market, run by Jodi Chang, is the center of life in town. General store, post office and all-around watering hole, everyone who's anyone in Perfection can be found here. C'mon by for lunch and stock up on anything and everything you might need! From ammunition to antibiotics, barbecue sauce to batteries, wrist-seismos to a deck of cards, Chang's Market has it all!

Desert Jack's Graboid Tours, run by ex-NASCAR driver Tyler Reed, is your best chance of seeing elusive old El Blanco, the "Great White Graboid," and living to tell about it! Sign up today for a once-in-a-lifetime spin through the lovely deserts of Perfection. But consider yourself warned — Tyler drives fast, so if you get a glimpse of El Blanco, don't blink or you might miss it!

Burt Gummer's Survival School, run by world-famous Graboid-hunter Burt Gummer himself, offers courses in everything from basic firearm safety to how to write your legally binding last will and testament using only a rock, a cactus quill and your own blood.

KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS
Jodi Chang (Chang's Market), Tyler Reed (Desert Jack's Graboid Tours) and Nancy Sterngood (Perfection Souvenirs Online) all live in the town proper. Jodi's niece, Natalie Chang, sometimes stays with Jodi and works part-time in Chang's Market.

Burt Gummer lives a few miles from town in his hilltop survivalist bunker. It took some heavy damage during a recent incursion by those monsters colorfully known as AssBlasters, but Burt, plucky fella that he is, has vowed to rebuild.

Rosalita Sanchez lives on her small cattle ranch several miles from Burt's bunker, on the opposite side of town. Her younger brother, Roberto, occasionally visits and helps out.

Agent W.D. Twitchell, U.S. Department of the Interior, lives in a charming ranchette home he purchased from Melvin Plug — a local real-estate developer who owns more than half the property in Perfection Valley and plans to raze the town of Perfection in order to erect a strip-mall sprawl known as "Melville."

In addition, as the Graboid scare has subsided, a few newcomers have settled in the outskirts of Perfection Valley. Our newest neighbors includes prospectors, ranchers, retirees and picaresque winos living off government disability checks. We don't mind what folks' stories are, as long as they mind their own business and pay their bills. So whether you're looking to settle down or start over, Perfection is the place for you!

CO-EXISTING WITH GRABOIDS
The initial appearances of Graboids and their mutations here in Perfection, as well as in Mexico and Argentina, are well-known world news. The big TV networks have all done stories here. Our cozy little town is a must-see destination for truly adventurous tourists, who routinely come to take Tyler Reed's desert tour in hopes of seeing elusive El Blanco, the "Great White Graboid."

Of course, we hear the same question over and over again: "How can you live in a valley with a deadly, giant monster?" We won't lie to you —' it's damned inconvenient being unable to get insurance for life or property anywhere in the valley, but we believe our isolation and the risks we endure are a small price to pay to keep our individualistic lifestyle safe from urban sprawl.

It's an odd and delicate balance: The big creature that wants to eat us is also the very thing that allows us to live our lives on our own terms. Luckily, El Blanco is usually content to graze on coyotes, sheep or the rare stray cattle. If we don't annoy him, he doesn't eat us. Can't get a much fairer shake than that, right?

Using seismic equipment, geo-phones, and other gear, we keep tabs on the Big Worm and (usually) avoid dangerous encounters with him. Truth be told, we pretty much take in stride living with Graboids, Shriekers and AssBlasters. We view them as do people in northern Canada seeing polar bears walking down Main Street: We know they're dangerous — we just don't get hysterical, and we take the necessary precautions.

We realize it might seem eccentric at first, but don't worry: You'll get used to it in no time. And before long, you'll understand why we all love to call this tiny oasis our home, and why we continue to warn the government, "Don't mess with Perfection!"