The Grabblog

• "Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't you?!"
• "I feel I was denied critical, need-to-know information."
• "And that's why we're at the top of the food chain!"
  
  

He is not actually a nut. He is, however, a gun nut.

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself — and running out of ammo," he has said. He can talk endlessly, and with first-hand experience, about any firearm from a CO2 paintball rifle to a .50 caliber anti-aircraft naval deck gun (a very effective tool for Shrieker eradication.) A hard-and-fast adherent to rules and regulations (his own, not the government's), Burt will never point a firearm at any human. Never. He's fanatical about gun safety.

After selflessly sacrificing his hilltop bunker home during the "AssBlaster incursion" a couple years ago, Burt has doggedly soldiered-on in his houseless basement (now covered with a Quonset hut, scrounged piece-by-piece from a nearby abandoned government facility.) It contains his indoor shooting range, safe room, emergency escape tunnel — and (in)famous gun wall. He has replenished only about 20 percent of his weapons. Painted gun silhouettes on the wall indicate the ones he hasn't yet replaced. The bunker is Burt's command center, from which he monitors the Valley on his laptop, via his infrared satellite downlink; checks for Graboid movement via seismo readings from his network of strategically placed geophones; and watches lonely hours of war documentaries on television. ("If you ask me, Patton, not Eisenhower, should've been President," he grouses.) He lives by his survivalist motto: "Doing what I can with what I've got." Often, it's Burt's uncanny talent for turning the most unlikely things into effective weapons that gets his neighbors out of a tough spot.

Underneath his gruff bluster, Burt really is a sensitive guy. Perhaps one day soon he will be ready to take faltering steps in answer to the call of his lonely heart. A secret he'd never want uncovered is his regular presence in survivalist chat rooms in search of someone who could give him what only his beloved ex-wife Heather could: patient support and an ability to load an HK-91 like nobody's business.

Jodi Chang takes Burt in stride and is even fond of him. Tyler Reed rolls with Burt's eccentricities. Rosalita Sanchez simply finds his overkill and paranoia odd. And ex-hippy Nancy Sterngood butts heads with Burt on almost every issue; she pokes holes in his arguments and tries to make him see reason. But for Burt there's always been "a little too much Summer of Love in that woman."


TYLER REED
(Played by Victor Browne)

Tyler Reed, the son of a hard-bitten Air Force colonel who oversees bomb runs on the nearby Nevada Test Site, is in his mid-to-late-20s. Less cowboy and more hot-rodder, Tyler looks good in his engineer's boots and jeans with rolled cuffs. He's got a thing for everything NASCAR.

Before coming to Perfection Valley, he was an aspiring driver working his way up the circuit. When he crashed his car and lost his sponsorship, he saw it was time for a career change. He bought a local business, Desert Jack's Graboid Tours. After all, he's seen CNN: Look how well Valentine McKee, Earl Basset and Grady Hoover made out running that ramshackle operation. Surely, there must be another fortune waiting to be made from Desert Jack's....

But for all Tyler's big dreams and street-rodding skills he's a remarkably easy-going guy. Too easy-going for Burt Gummer, who criticizes Tyler for being unprepared for most situations. However, the truth is Tyler's quick wits, athletic grace, and NASCAR-inspired driving will prove to be valuable survival skills — for himself and his neighbors.

Tyler considers Burt to be a neurotic eccentric, but he admires the guy's "whole gung-ho M.O." The two of them make an odd dynamic duo, whether safeguarding their valley, rescuing careless tourists, or taking an outside assignment. Their differences, particularly Tyler's tendency to ignore Burt's rigid S.O.P. (Standard Operating Procedure) constantly cause friction. Where Burt anxiously frets, Tyler rolls with it. Where Burt plans way ahead, Tyler makes it up on the spot. But, in reality, when Burt's outside his survivalist haven he's far less adept at dealing with the real world than is charming, savvy, streetwise Tyler.

Jodi Chang is attracted to Tyler but channels her feelings into organizing his life, which is fine by him. Tyler's attracted to Jodi, as well. He admires her practicality and reliability. She, of course, wants to be admired for more than that.

But fogging up Tyler's windshield is steamy Rosalita Sanchez. She's everything a guy could ever want, except for all the stuff only Jodi offers. In fact, Tyler soon has to admit that his all-time perfect woman is Jodi and Rosalita.

"If I could just get the whole deal in one package...." Tyler laments. "Yes, every man's dilemma," Burt sagely replies.

JODI CHANG
(Played by Lela Lee)

Overly organized Jodi was on the corporate fast-track in San Francisco until she discovered that she couldn't stand to work for anybody else. Facing her life's first big crisis, she bailed out to take over her late, eccentric Uncle Walter's general store. It's her chance to prove herself, and she dedicates her life to "growing the business of this theme-related retail outlet."

Jodi is as quirky as her hustler uncle ever was and not above playing any situation to her financial advantage. She runs a tab on everybody in Perfection; gets a finder's fee for any tourist she strong-arms onto Tyler Reed's tour jeep; negotiates for the valuable remains of whatever nasty creatures Burt Gummer and Tyler might destroy; manages Burt's survival school; and runs the online part of Nancy Sterngood's souvenir business.

Jodi's reliance on the Harvard Business School case-study approach to any situation contrasts with Tyler's instinctive, gut-level response to things. She's full of good business advice for him and gets jealous when he trumps her with an occasional, casually tossed-off brilliant idea, such as "Burt Gummer's Survival School."

And although she'd never admit it, Jodi's also jealous of Rosalita Sanchez, whom Tyler clearly finds pleasantly distracting.

Although Jodi is identified strongly with her store, she has a wealth of talents that she shares with her neighbors. She is experienced in fighting every form of Graboid mutation. She's fluent in Mandarin Chinese. She has extensive computer skills. And her business acumen has taught her to "follow the money" — a mantra that helps her spot the corporate crooks and small-time hustlers who frequently blow into the valley looking to get rich quick at the expense of the locals.

Although Jodi likes to think of her store as a "homey" place where she and her neighbors can gather for an occasional celebratory feast from her deli counter, no one dares touch a sandwich until she assures them it won't end up on their tab.

NANCY STERNGOOD
(Played by Marcia Strassman)

Artisan, ex-hippie and a lover of solitude and open spaces, Nancy Sterngood has capitalized on Perfection's dubious notoriety by creating ceramic Graboid hood ornaments, Shrieker ashtrays, Burt Gummer action figures, and AssBlaster paperweights, all of which she markets online with Jodi Chang's help.

Nancy's the one person in town not struggling to make ends meet. At peace with herself, she quotes the Dalai Lama, meditates and uses crystal energy to keep El Blanco away from her small house/studio. She generally acts as a calming influence by exercising a wise, trusting, Earth Mother yin to balance Burt's suspicious, over-reactive yang. Both Jodi and Rosalita Sanchez look up to Nancy for her calm reassurance — and because she's tough enough to stand up to Burt.

Besides the ever-present Graboid problem, Nancy's only other challenge is how to meet a nice, "fully actualized" guy when she lives in the middle of nowhere surrounded by man-eating predators.

ROSALITA SANCHEZ
(Played by Gladise Jimenez)

Rosalita Sanchez is not what one would call an optimist. This leggy, Hispanic ex-Vegas showgirl is cautious about getting her hopes up or making predictions. She has been disappointed too many times and hardened by bitter experience. As a beautiful twenty-something woman, she also has been hit on once too often; now she has a seriously defensive attitude, and local would-be romeo Tyler Reed has to tread carefully when he deals with her.

Rosalita has taken over the late Miguel's humble cattle ranch. We occasionally see the hired hand, Harlow Winnemuca, who helps out with the heavy lifting. But one has to wonder what Rosalita's doing here. What's she looking for in Perfection? Apparently, nothing. She is, in fact, trying to put something behind her, a dark past at which she will only obliquely hint. This mysterious quality makes her even more attractive to Tyler and unsettles Jodi Chang. As for straight-laced Burt Gummer, he's just plain baffled by her — especially when she reveals her street cred by touting the advantages of a Glock-9 over "that punk-ass Walther P-38."

Rosalita inserted herself into Perfection by claiming to be the late Miguel's cousin, and justified her move to the desert with the explanation that she needed "a lifestyle change." The truth is she, like the others, is here because it's the only place she can go. Unlike the locals, she remains one foot in, one foot out. She's urban, a native of East L.A., and feels out of place in this remote valley. But she's working hard to figure out things like fixing her own plumbing, avoiding rattlesnakes, and off-roading in her out-of-place Ford Mustang. Trying to make ends meet, she raises Miguel's dwindling herd of cattle with a "How To" book in one hand. A little overwhelmed by it all, she confesses she "was never comfortable around any mammal bigger than me, especially ones with horns."

Not sparing anyone from her attitude, she periodically vents at her helpless herd: "If I actually had a life, which I don't, I sure as hell wouldn't be out here baby-sitting you morons . "Rosalita dreams of a second chance; of a life lived the right way. Bent on self-improvement, she spends evenings taking college courses online. She is especially interested in psychology because she has "run into a whole lotta whacked-out people" in her life. She has the neophyte's tendency to enthusiastically offer an unsolicited Psych 101 analysis of any interpersonal situation. For instance, vis-a-vis Burt: "It's clear to me where all that gun stuff comes from. ... I mean, how long's it been since the guy was with a woman, right?"

Warring against her burgeoning enlightenment are her deeply rooted, ancestral superstitions: never put your handbag on the floor; never look at the new moon through a window; use only your left hand when handling something just touched by an evil person; etc. These are amusing quirks for her neighbors — until they present unexpected problems at the worst-possible moments.

Rosalita is impressed by Jodi's education and business sophistication, and relies on her for help with her studies. She's amused by Burt, which irks him to no end. And Tyler? She keeps him carefully at arm's length — except when she needs his help on her ranch.

W.D. TWITCHELL
(Played by Dean Norris)

W.D. Twitchell is a wiry, nervous man in his late forties. He is an agent of the U.S. Department of the Interior, assigned to monitor the Endangered Species Habitat that is Perfection Valley. He hates his job. Hates the desert. He carries a small, battery-operated fan when he makes his periodic inspections of Perfection's barren landscape. Sometimes he refuses even to get out of his air-conditioned government sedan, preferring instead to talk to people through a small gap in his tinted-glass window.

He's terrified of El Blanco — and any other creature he meets. But Twitchell hangs in there, looking forward to the promotion his superiors dangle as a carrot — a comfortable assignment in a much nicer spot, like Yosemite.

Twitchell has the authority to evict everyone from Perfection Valley should he decide their co-existence with El Blanco is just too dangerous — for them or for the albino Graboid. Though he can be affable, he's not above employing underhanded tactics if he thinks they might get him out of this gig and up the DOI ladder.

Twitchell would be much closer to realizing his dream (and lowering his stress level) had his boss not made him the point man on any investigations into possible Graboid activity outside Perfection Valley. Twitchell, realizing he needs expert help on such assignments, has struck an uneasy deal to subcontract the work to Burt Gummer. When Burt and his partner, Tyler Reed, go off to solve other people's monster-related problems, Twitchell occasionally will pop up to monitor the mayhem in Perfection and put a reassuring spin on the potentially bad public relations that surely will be caused by Shriekers running amok in the local shopping mall. Basically, Twitchell thinks the townsfolk should "give up" and go live in nice, suburban tract homes "like normal people."

MELVIN PLUG
(Played by Robert Jayne)

Melvin Plug, who became famous as Perfection's unhappiest teen-ager, has grown up into a slick, manipulative real-estate developer in nearby Bixby, Nev. Now the president of Melco, Inc., his dream is to turn Perfection Valley into, as Burt Gummer puts it, "another godless stretch of mind-numbing suburban sprawl." And all of it, Rosalita Sanchez correctly points out, "is a sublimation of his need to get even for his painful childhood."

Because the Valley's status as a federally protected area keeps him from the destiny he feels is his due, Melvin would love nothing more than to see El Blanco disappear. To this end he works, usually behind the scenes, to cleanse the future "Melville" of its problematic Graboid. But, as big a jerk as Melvin is, he would never knowingly threaten anyone's life. He will, however, never miss a chance to drive metaphorical wedges between Perfection's beleaguered townsfolk.

# posted by Troglodad @ 9:11 AM